So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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