I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
