Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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