Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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