Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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