Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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