Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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