thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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