I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
