I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
