i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Two words: blizzard sex
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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