Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
