found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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