I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
