i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
