i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
