The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
