1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
