Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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