omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
