ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
