you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
