Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
