I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
