just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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