I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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