guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
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Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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