I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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