He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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