barbara walters just said penis...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
