So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
