dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
