Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
