You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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