she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
