If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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