how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
