splinters make it hard to masturbate
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
