4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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