why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
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Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
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Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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