tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
