There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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