she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
