So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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