Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
