I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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