Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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