Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
