So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
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my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
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Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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