I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
