I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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