Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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