it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
