I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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