Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
