i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
